Captured Bears Need Homes Here Are Six Ridiculous Suggestions

🐻 The Utah Bear Relocation Program Needs Some Help

Utah towns have been crawling with bears lately so now animal control has a new problem: where do you put a bear once you’ve apprehended it?

You *can’t* just release them back into the wild. These bears need moisture, shade, snacks, and a place to contemplate their inner animal.

So, in the spirit of civic duty here are some options — all of them deeply unserious and maybe impractical.

1. Jellystone Park

Why not send them to the one place where bears are *canonically* allowed to steal picnic baskets?
Animal control could drop them off with a little note:
> “Dear Ranger Smith,
> Please supervise.
> They’re very food‑motivated.”

Plus, Jellystone has better shade than anywhere in Utah right now. The bears will thrive.

2. The Annual Teddy Bear Picnic

Every summer, Utah moms gather their toddlers, quilts, and Costco snacks for a teddy bear picnic.
This year, animal control could spice things up by adding **actual bears**.

Imagine the chaos:
- Toddlers offering fruit snacks to a 600‑pound grizzly
- Moms whisper‑shouting “DON’T RUN, SWEETIE, JUST RESPECT ITS SPACE”
- A bear wearing a sunhat because a child insisted

It’s the kind of memory that stays with you forever, whether you want it to or not.

3. Lagoon’s Lost & Found

Look, Lagoon has everything: shade, churros, roller coasters, and teenagers who aren’t paying attention.
Just tuck the bear into Lost & Found with the 47 water bottles and one lonely Croc.

Eventually someone will claim it.
Probably a teenager named Braxton who thinks it’s “sick.”

4. St. George Pickleball Courts

Not really great for the bears, but they’d be naturals:
- Great reach
- Intimidating presence
- Zero respect for the kitchen

Plus, it might finally slow down the retirees who play like they’re competing for Olympic gold.

5. The I-15 Gas Station That Sells Everything

You know the one.
It has jerky, fireworks, cowboy hats, and probably a bear habitat in the back already.

Just drop them off.
They’ll blend right in.

6. The Utah Legislature (They’ve Handled Stranger Things)

Let the bears testify.
Let them propose bills.
Let them sit in committee meetings and growl disapprovingly.

Honestly, it might improve things.

Read More: Utah’s 3,000 Black Bears Are On The Move