Don’t Answer Your Door Today, Utah! It’s National Fruitcake Day

This is the last day I will be working for the year, and it's been a really lousy day. My co-host had a family emergency so I missed the fun of working with him. Every piece or equipment decided to malfunction and it just hasn't been fun. And now I think I know why. It's not safe out there, Utah. It's National Fruitcake Day. It feels like it.

I thought once we got past Christmas, we could put the fruitcake nightmare behind us for another year. Nope. So the question. On this National Fruitcake Day, what exactly do you do with a fruitcake? Sure, you could eat it, but that assumes you have dental insurance and a spirit of adventure.

First, consider the traditional approach: re-gifting. Fruitcakes are the boomerangs of baked goods. Wrapped in foil and holiday cheer, they are passed from friend to relative to co-worker with alarming speed. Somewhere out there is a fruitcake that's older than you, traveling the globe like a well-preserved, calorie-dense ambassador of goodwill.

If re-gifting feels too impersonal, you might embrace the creative arts. Fruitcakes are surprisingly versatile. Build a festive doorstop, craft a paperweight, or start your own collection of dessert-themed sculptures. The dense, brick-like consistency of a fruitcake makes it ideal for any project requiring an indestructible foundation.

Feeling scientific? Conduct experiments to see if fruitcake truly is impervious to the ravages of time. Bury one in your backyard, freeze one for posterity, or drop one off a tall building to test its aerodynamics. You’ll likely find that the only thing tougher than fruitcake is your determination to get rid of it.

As a last resort, there’s always the option to eat it. Slice it thin, slather it with butter, or pair it with enough eggnog to numb your taste buds. Some claim fruitcake is delicious, but these people also believe in kale smoothies and marathon running. Proceed with extreme caution.

This National Fruitcake Day, celebrate with gusto—or at least with a sense of humor. Whether you eat it, gift it, or turn it into modern art, remember: fruitcake isn’t just a dessert; it’s a challenge. And one way or another Utah, you’re up for it.

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